So it’s been a month since I last posted and that’s because I was struggling on what to write, how to write and exactly how much to share. I got worked up to the point that my writing flow short circuited and that was that. See a problem? As a christian I tend to lose perspective and most often can’t even admit it because I believe it makes me weak and God disappointed in me. But I have been learning to trust the journey and embrace my weaknesses as learning curves. So today I will share one of my greatest weaknesses which is insecurity.
Now my insecurity is not just the ‘will they like me?” but it’s also “Does God love me?” “Are people proud of me?” and worst “When will I love me?”. Now it’s bad enough having anxiety about life and your future and the world without having anxiety about who you are and your own worth. And I have struggled with accepting myself for who I am because I have not known who I am until this year. I struggled loving the woman I was because she was what everyone else wanted me to be and not who God created me to be and now that I have finally met and accepted who I was created to be then I am struggling to love her, even now.
But to back track the first time I had doubts on myself was when I was five years old and I was at the school playground and I really wanted to play this game we used to play of brides and grooms and I wanted to be the bride. So I started cutting up this long vines from the fence and fixing them in my hair but then another girl came to me and said that I couldn’t be the bride because I was a ‘fatty’ and she relegated me to pushing her chair across the playground as the official bridal chauffeur. Now at 5 you don’t know that there’s a specific size you are meant to be let alone that you should be it to have love because you still held innocence and to you everyone and everything was beautiful. But that girl really messed with my thinking and I silently wondered if this so called ‘fatty’ couldn’t be married and why? Why was I one and why,if I was one, din’t I deserve to be married?
As you know about school bullying this went on and on and by the time I left Primary school at 13 I was a self-depreciating wreck. And then high school rolled around and on top of that there was grades because I failed exams for the first time ever, boys who never ever found me attractive or so I thought, parents who didn’t understand me, a restrictive school, worry about my future, feminism rants and verbally abusive classmates. All these compounded to anxiety and depression and me attaching my worth and value to being skinny, having flawless skin, good grades, a career where I made lots of money and having several men chasing me.And so you can imagine that I spent many many nights crying and crying and many days stressing and wondering how to achieve these goals. I couldn’t believe that God had created me the way He had, or that I was intelligent not because of a couple of grades given to standard tests but because of what I could understand and grasp in my sleep or that I deserved and had love purely for the fact that I was human. So by the time I reached college, I was nit picky, clean freaky, obsessive, stressed, anxious, depressed and filled with hate. I wanted to change everything about me: my kinky hair, my round hips, my stretch marks, my loud mouth, my thighs, my deeply imaginative mind, my need for answers, my eyes, my nose, my height, my beliefs. I wanted a complete do over at life.
This did not mean that I hang my head but I was really good at hiding my hurt behind self-depreciating humor, I perfected the fake smile and laugh, I perfected the art of false confidence which manifested as ego and I also created a whole other persona for myself to hide in. It wasn’t until this year that I finally started looking at things differently. After years of crying and doubting and stressing I finally listened to my mother and to God. I realized that God made me and to know me I had to know Him and so I studied His word and prayed and led bible studies and just surrounded myself with people who were deeply rooted in the word. I then realized that my worth was never in my appearance or grades or even career that it was in the fact that I was created in God’s image and that He died for me to have life.
From there I realized that my mind was not crazy, just really fast and creative and that I didn’t need to have a degree or a ‘career’ in the typical sense to be using my God-given intellect or to be educated. So I set out to learn my gifts, talents and to see how I could use them to glorify God and manage my time and hopefully earn money from them. I also realized that my beauty had to start from the inside; my soul, my heart, my mind and then my body would follow suit and that we were not all made to be cookie cutter images of each other. So I slowly started to let myself laugh more, interact with people, give my time, love my family, sleep more and just enjoy this life on earth.
Love the life you have, you’re in and love the world as you should. There’s always someone who has it worse than you and one who has it better than you. Learn to be content( whole other blog post on this coming up) and learn to be grateful. Love is the greatest asset you have so find it within you and use it. You can never run out of love to give because God is love therefore love is infinite and never ending. Do not be anxious about anything, yourself included; whether it’s your weight or body type, your career or studies, your future or past, your hair or your eyes, your mind or heart. Do not give into the panic of trends or what ‘perfection’ is, do not conform to what this world defines as success. Guard your mind from all negativity and from those attacks of the enemy.
This year I have learned that I do not need to strive for anything because what is mine has already been provided for in Christ. I have finally accepted who I am, quarks and all and most importantly I have given up the ghosts of the past and I am looking forward, not in anxiety but in expectation of what God will do in my life. Self-acceptance comes from knowing who you are and that ensures that you will not listen to any message or advice or critic that is contrary to who you God made you to be. It ensures you have peace of mind about your self, your worth and your future. It brings joy and peace to your life and most importantly it helps you truly love others and enjoy life.
So as this year ends, are you still struggling with self-anxiety,acceptance or hatred? Ask yourself and write down: What is your trigger? Where did it start? Who are you listening to and looking up to as a guide? Where are you getting your validation from? And most importantly start knowing your God, know who He is and see yourself and your future in His light. End the year on a high. It doesn’t have to #newyearnewme next year too, you can start the year as a better version of you and spend it embracing who you are and bettering yourself and others.
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