I have an incessant need for perfection. I crave it, I search for it and I never forgive myself if I don’t achieve it. And most of the time I want it now; I want my business to be perfect and great now because I know I’ve put in the perfect amount of work, I want a perfect relationship now despite the fact that there is nothing like that. I clean the house obsessively because I want it perfectly arranged, super clean and I want it to stay that way so it makes me a terror to live with. And you know why I crave perfection? because it is the only way I feel that I can be accepted by God, myself and others. It’s the only way I felt worthy.
Such a small word with such enormous weight. Worthy. I wanted to earn my position on this earth because I felt like those things they said about me were not only true but they measured my worth and by their scale I wasn’t worth much. I couldn’t be worth much if I wasn’t beautiful like them, controlled like them, smart like them and later in life if i didn’t talk like them, dress like them and get to where they were. I was in pain because I was struggling so hard, fighting my own mind, denying my talents and purpose just to fit what they thought was right and live a life they deemed perfect. And I know I’m not the only one who struggles with my self-worth because so many people are doing things for attention, are killing themselves, are living a life they hate just because it gets them likes.
Self-worth is an important thing because it determines how we react, how we live, what we allow for ourselves. Stephen Chbosky is the author who wrote “We accept the love we think we deserve” and it is so true. You may have the best of everything but you will only ever accept the love you think you deserve and that is why some people struggle with God, with relationships and with social media. You want to seem relevant so you do all you can and you deem your like-ability and worth on the number of hearts that flow through your screen. You cannot accept God’s love because you are so used to being judged, misused, mistrusted and abused that you cannot fathom that someone would not only love you for you, but love you as brokenly as you are. The start of knowing your self worth is transforming your mind first(Romans 12:2) and be renewed to know who God is. Then to seek first God and his will(Mathew 6:33) and desire him above all else. That can only come from studying the word with vested interest. Not to argue with ‘churchy religious people’ or for your parents or for Sunday school but for you to know. Read it for you, slowly, surely, digesting every word and going back again to see if you got it. Which is what I did when I hit rock-bottom in my life: I studied God, I studied his words, his miracles, his teachings and I studied them for myself, out of my own curiosity.
And yet as I read and grew as a Christian I felt like, ‘If God was so wondrous, amazing, made the world and died for me before i even was born, then what have I done to deserve it?’ I still felt like I had to earn my Christianity and give God something to pay him back for what he gives me and negotiate with him for blessings. So I didn’t think that I was enough; that me being human, having a God-breathed spirit, giving him my all that that was enough. Not to pay him back, but to show my love. I didn’t feel as if I had enough, I wanted a better body because I felt I was giving him a sub-par temple, I wanted to say stronger prayers because I felt he’d hear them more, I wanted to promise him to always worship him, or never hate anyone just so he could give me a certain job because i felt i had to offer something in return. Worthy, I didn’t not feel.
Which is something I’m sure most Christians go through. They feeling of not being ‘godly’ enough to be blessed, not praying hard enough for healing, not working hard enough for God to bless you with that job, not being pretty enough to get married. And we preach it. We preach it to our kids that they should pray three times a day and pray this way for God to hear, we preach it to the teenagers and young adults that God’s blessings only come to those who are holy and blameless and we don’t tell them that the holiness isn’t one we work for but we earn through grace by faith(Ephesians 2:8-9) in Jesus and being covered in his blood.
After renewing your mind, you need to open your heart and soul to listen because faith comes by hearing and hearing the word of God. Your self-worth comes from your belief in your spirit. Not how often you fast and pray, how good you sing in church, how toned and low-fat your body is, how many sins you haven’t committed, how pure your thoughts are or how much tithe and offering you give. You are beautifully and wonderfully made ( Psalms 139:14), God had good plans for you(Jeremiah 29:11) and you are worthy. He did promise to supply all your needs, open all the doors you knocked on, give you good things when you ask not because of you but because of His spirit and His love for you.So today do what I did and just start to believe.
I had to convince my self that I was worthy; not because of my body, or my mind, or my grades, or how clean my house is, or my job, or my dedication, I was worthy because at the very beginning; I was made in the image of God and because of that He loved me, he died for me, he made all things for me to subdue, he supplies my needs. I realized that such knowledge is too wonderful for a human brain to fathom, his love is too vast to understand and so I simply needed to learn how to accept it. Accept His grace, his blessings, his mercy, his forgiveness. So I’m learning that my mess just glorifies Him because he shows himself through my imperfection, I’m learning to see art and memories and novels and life stories and grace in my messes instead of beating myself up and losing my self-worth. And instead of perfection, I’m slowly learning to embrace progress, crazy and the grace of God. Because I don’t need to be perfect to be worthy, I just need to be His.
Hope this blessed,inspired and encouraged you and if it did, please like, share and comment. As this month starts, know your worth. Don’t let anyone make you feel less worthy,even yourself. This is the month of love so focus on God’s love for you and happy February!
P.s I’ll be writing a list on things I wish I knew in my teens on Monday so subscribe so that you are notified the second the post is on.